


Slowly I am losing myself

by Tigi



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:55:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27389062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tigi/pseuds/Tigi
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	Slowly I am losing myself

_If truth had to be told, I did knew what would come, or at least the logic part of my mind knew._   
_I knew the facts, knew most of it, but that didn't mean that I understood._   
_I was a diffrent guy before it, probably a better guy._   
_But I made my decisions and they may be bad decisions._   
_But they are still mine._

_..................._

,,You know that it is a dangerous job?"asked the thin man with tired looking brown eyes, that seemed to be half asleep already.

,,I do."confirmed I, my voice steady and strong.  
After all everyone knew it was a dangerous job.

,,You know that you will most likely will lose a leg or a arm, trough an injury or necessary amputation?"cam the next question.  
That one was a littel harder to answer, after all it gave concrete examples of what could ho wrong.  
But it didn't changed my descion.

,,I do."answered I am again.

,,You kniw that you will be most likely die in order to fulfill your job?"asked the man.  
I knew that too......still I didn't liked it. Truth be told, even then I hoped that it wouldn't come true. That I would live.

,,I do."replied I once again, hoping my voice wasn't betraying me.

,,You know that there may come a time, when you will be ordered to die? A time when you are commanded to sacrifice your life?"  
This time I swallowed hard.  
Because this....beeing ordered to die, it was just so unimaginable and it sounded terrible.  
Getting told to die.....just like that.  
But my answer was unchanged.

,,I do."replyed I again.

,,You know that we will need....to change your mind, your very beeing in order to give you this job?"asked the man.  
It was the thingh that I knew least about, after all how do you change someone's mind?  
Someone's very beeing?  
I didn't really believed it.  
I mean I am who I am.

,,I do."

,,So then, if you sign this sheet you must know that there is no backing down, no going back.  
This is final."

,,I do."

I took the sheath without hesitation and signed it, in one swift movement.  
There was it now black in white, finally down.  
With a sign I leaned back.

.................

_Thinking back I should have known better, decided diffrent._   
_But that is easier to say when you know the consequences, when you know how it feels._   
_Sometimes I even think that maybe this is actually the best outcome._   
_Maybe if I hadn't done this, I would have been run over by a bus the next day._   
_Or I could have been happy._

................

It started with combat training with all kind of fighting techniques.  
It started with screaming muscles and burning lungs.  
There seemed to be now stopp, only occasionally a break to let our bodys adjust and adapt to the knew situation.  
And it did took time, I can't tell how long.  
Days, weeks, months.  
I didn't saw the sun nor the moon.  
For me there was no difference, only my exercises.

Over the time I became stronger, faster, swifter and somehow smarter.  
Not in an illectaul sense, but in the way of how I could control my body.  
Never had I felt so at ease with myself.

At some point all days, or whatever it was that we lived after, faded all into the same.  
There was no real schedule, we woke up at odd hour and went for a run, or fought against each other, before we were ordered to eat and go back to bed.  
Sometimes we were just woken up to eat and sometimes just gor exercises.  
Of course there were showers, always available, as were toilets.  
But at some point I stopped really thinking, I just stopped and did what I was told.  
All memories faded into one big one.

But there us one thing I remember clearly.  
A woman with bright green eyes looking at us grimly and then showing us her weapon.  
I remember it was beautiful, simple but yet beautiful.  
A scythe.

,,This is your weapon."  
There was no explanation, no more words to tell us what this all meant.  
,,Look down."  
I looked down and there was it, a scythe like the one the woman was holding.

,,Take it."  
And I did and it just felt right......as if it belonged in my hand.  
As if we had trained all this time only for this moment. Maybe we had.

................

_I will never forget this moment, somehow it is both important to me and means.....nothing._

_It was just one minute out of thousands of hours, all with the same purpose. But I will never forget the feeling of it in my hand, its balance. Never. It still follows me in my dreams and in my nightmares. Somhow I miss the feeling of it when I don't hold it and dread at the same time to touch it. It's weird, but ten it is complicated._

_............._

The exercise didn't really stopped but it became less over time and made space for somethingh......else. I can't even begin to describe it, or imagine it gor that point. It is very confusing and blurry a memory I know I mist possed, after all I was there but it is like a fog, instead of a clear sea. I only know that there were questions. Strange questions.

,,What us your favourite colour?"

,,Which flavour of ice cream do you prefer?"

,,How do you find football?" All very easy questions to answer. Normally. I know that I should know the answer.

But I don't. I have no clue what I like and what don't. I don't know what colour I like hest, I don't know which flavour is the best. I have no opinion on football.

They took it all from me. Before this I had answers to this.

No I don't. But they didn't only took this. It wasn't enough. They took more.

,,What is your brother's name?"

,,What job is your mother employed in?"

,,Do you have any nieces or nephews?"

,,What is your name?"

And all I know that I don't know a damn thing. That I have no fucking clue. Do I even have a brother? I don't know. What job has my mother?

Nieces and nephews?

Not that I know of. My name?

I don't know. And it saddens me unimaginable to have no answer.

To not know who I am or what I am, where have I come from?

How can I ever be whole without knowing this?

Without knowing how my childhood was? Wmy first kiss?

I don't remember anything. First day in school....nothingh, every memory gone.

And I just feel ripped apart. I don't feel as if I am missing sonethingh I fell as if I am missing me. I am missing myself and I can't find me. I try and try and all thses memories always just slip away.

.................

I still don't know who I am. What I am. Where I come from. Where I go to. But I know I will try to get it all back, until I am back where I have come from. Until I know all the names I obce easily remebered, friends family. Until I am whole again.

.............

But first I have to finish my job. Raising my head slightly I wait for my signal. I don't have to look to my right or my left to know that next to me are my........colleges I guess.

Nothingh more, I don't know their names, as I don't know my name.

Sometimes I wonder if they are like he. Lost. Of if they are at ease with it all, if they accepted it and just moved on. But then they probably ate.

After all we are some of the best fighters. Loyal till death and never refusing to follow a command. We are Cleavers.

Trained and reached by the sanctuary.

Trained to kill.

Teached to forgot.


End file.
